What’s in a Number?

128.  That number now haunts me.  No matter what I used to do, how much I ate, that number was a norm and a constant in my life.  Other people struggled with their weight- but not gangly me. 

I was always made fun of as a kid for being too skinny, and a little bit awkward.  I was this tall (5’7 when I was 12 years old, but at that time only weighed about 100 pounds.  And, when eating doesn’t impact your weight- you never have to think about what you are putting into your mouth.

I grew up in a fairly healthy family- we were always forced to have a glass of milk at dinner, my mom wouldn’t let us eat out a lot, and applesauce or fruit was considered a “treat” for dessert.  Going to friends houses, I could knock back the nacho dip like a champ, and notice no effects at all.  So, I wasn’t quite sure what to do in university.  

After 1st year, I moved off campus and now had to buy groceries for myself and walked most places.  So, naturally the few pounds I had gained in residence melted away.  I also started going to the gym, which I thought I would hate- but loved.  Turns out I’m just not athletic!  

Anyway, over the years with teaching, commuting, and just being tired all the time, my weight has slowly creeped up.  It was slow, but finally my medium self is officially a large.  I’d love to take a pic of myself on my 30th birthday and look back and be like, “Look at you with that rockin’ body!”  But, at 186 pounds- I can’t say that.  The only thing that is good about gaining 50 pounds is that I’ve gone up 2 cups sizes in my bra… 

So, here’s my commitment- I just did the fit test for the JCore system- which I think I’m going to like.  It was totally embarrassing- my core was so weak I couldn’t do more than one rep without being all wobbly.  I commit to the next 40 days- it’s only 20 mins- so if I set my alarm early, that is totally manageable.  Also, my natural doc put me on this 1400 cal diet- eliminating many things that are bad for me- and that I’m allergic to.  This, plus I’m going to try and work in a walk (it’s spring!)  and some yoga every once in a while.  

I know 128 is a little out of reach, so I’m aiming for 140. I shall keep you posted!  

Any weight loss/excercize tips to share?

Accelerated Body Transformation? Yes, Please!

So, for the past few years I have slowly gotten out of shape.  I had gotten healthy a few years ago when I discovered a whole bunch of food allergies, and was going to the gym regularly.  But, slowly, my weight has been creeping up on me. 

I always have been a medium.  When shopping, I’d just grab an M size, and it would always magically fit.  To my dismay, it looks like I’m a large now.  I can’t tell you how disheartening that is.  

How did this all happen?  Well, I’m super busy with work, and commitments, and I have to eat, so fast food happens way more often than usual. Why cook when you can have a pizza ready by the time you drive to pick it up?  And really, if you put some veggies on it, it covers a few food groups.  Not to mention leftovers for later… 

I moved to a small town, which has taken some adjusting.  When I lived in the big city, I had my choice of which location of gym to go to- I’d pick my favourite class and favourite instructor and have a few options that worked around my schedule and where I was.  I’ve been looking for gyms here, and I don’t like that I can’t pay for a year like I did at Goodlife.  Also, most of them end up being twice the price of the work membership, and the facilities don’t seem nearly as nice.  There doesn’t seem to be the variety of classes, and finally- do I want to be hanging out in a change room with my students/parents of my students.  I mean, I’m not one to let it all hang out and dance around the changeroom in my birthday suit- but I’d like to have the option.  Or horror of horrors, what if some parent or student liked to parade around in the buff?!  Awkward…

I have been looking into going to yoga here- but just waiting for things to slow down and figure out the gym situation- because yoga studios are quite pricy!

So, I acted on impulse today.  I was reading SHAPE and I really related to the woman talking about her struggle to maintain a healthy lifestyle and keep up the working out.  She was able to loose 67 pounds by doing this JCore DVD Series.  Each session is 20 mins, there are a variety of workouts, you don’t need any equipment, and this guy is the contributing fitness editor for SHAPE.  So, I read a few reviews, watched part of the infomercial and decided to go for it.  

Impulsive, but I need to get my butt into gear!  I figure it’s about a quarter of my Goodlife fees for a year, and I could actually maybe do them in the morning when I get up.  I don’t have to leave my place- so I have no excuse.  Even if I do them for the 40 day challenge- it would be totally worth it.  I also like the fact that it’s sortof like you are interacting with someone- I was following a workout in SHAPE, but it was short lived because no one was there cheering me on, saying “Come on Lazy- get one more set in!”

I just got the 6 DVD set- you could have bought the USB instead with all the videos but I figure I can take them to my parents, even though I’d just use the laptop at home.  I didn’t get the nutritional system- I figure with my food allergies and all the supplements my natural doctor has me on, I’m probably okay and shoudn’t try to figure that out to.  I’m also supposed to be doing a yeast cleanse…. oops… maybe need to start that. 

So, we’ll see how it goes- I’ll keep you posted!  Wish me luck!  

Dating in an Online World

Has the internet improved our communication?  

You would think with the millions upon billions of people and a all the ways to contract someone, we would actually get better with communication.  But no.  People can put up a front, misrepresent themselves, and be bolder than they would be in person.  Someone mentioned that my hair always looked so fabulous on facebook.  Well, of course it does- I make sure to detag myself in any less than flattering shots- and make a point to get pictures on my good hair days.”  No wonder I look so attractive on facebook… 

And, instant gratification is at the centre of the problem.  If someone doesn’t text you right away, you get antsy.  What happened to the days when you waited for days, even weeks for a letter from a friend?  Or you’d try and situate yourself near the locker of your crush, hoping they wouldn’t change their path so you could catch the glimpse of them that would get you through the week?  

I’m sick of getting to know people on the internet.  Not only are you trying to build that trust; you are trying to get a sense of the person- and to read through to see if they are a space cadet- or if they just don’t present themself well through the written word.  

I had one guy email me, asking to meet instead of “farting around” with email.  Really?!  Seriously?!!  Dude, you are trying to woo a woman!  Do you think that talking about bodily functions makes me think “Oh baby?” Or another guy who proceeded to write a whole long rant about his “faith” and how he had mommy issues and who ever was with him had to accept it.  Yes… again, makes me think you are a catch! 

And then there is google.  Years ago doing a background check on a potential date would normally be weird and creepy.  Whereas now, you would be crazy not to check them out of facebook, or google, or linked in.  I find myself checking out how many friends a person has, what they look like, if they’ve held down a steady job, etc, because that is important information, right?

Recently I googled a guy I had been emailing.  I found an interesting article he had written about his struggle with a scary mental illness.  Totally an automatic deal breaker, but I was glad I had found out.  That way I could cool things off without having that be the reason and have him feel badly about it.  But, information I shouldn’t know.  

It’s unnatural how much information we put out there- and when getting to know someone, it’s hard to tell what you are learning from the person, to what you have creeped on thier facebook profile.  Makes getting to know you awkward; you are always wondering if you have talked about his/her backpacking through Australia trip, of if you should know that his/her father passed away recently, or if knowing where they’ve checked in that day is common knowledge.  

It’s weird.  I prefer to get to know someone naturally and organically.  I feel like the online thing is forced.  Like you are trying to find someone who could work in your life.  I want more than that. 

I want fireworks, I want a best friend, I want someone who I could laugh with for hours, someone who gets me and I get them. 

I have someone in my life who is just that. Someone who can call me when I’m sick- and have me laughing for hours.  Someone who I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my life would be better with him in it.  

But the timing has never been right.  I need to be patient.  I have never felt that more clearly in my life.  I’m constantly trying to plan things, to figure it all out.  It’s hard to wait.  But I have a feeling this journey could be worth the wait.  

Things always work out the way they are meant to be…

My life has changed a lot in the last few months and I can really see God’s hand in it.  

The last few years I have felt restless, not tied down, not connected- not permanent.  Like I was waiting for something to happen.  I wondered, why am I here, and what am I doing.  What’s next?  I felt like I was in a holding pattern, just waiting for my number to be called.

I work in a small town, and I was resisting moving there, hoping I would get transferred, that I would find a husband, that I would know where I was meant to be.  The commute (an hour each way) was killing me and something had to change.

I resisted for 5 years.  Five years I made the trek for an hour through sleet, through snow, through fog, through exhaustion… 

I guess I felt like society (especially the Christian crew) had failed me.  I was an almost 30 something, started a career- surely it was time to get married.  But, Mr. Right was no where in sight- so what’s a girl to do?  It felt like my life hadn’t started…. or I haven’t moved on to the next step like everyone else had.  

But, I felt like I needed to live my life.  For so long I sat there waiting to happen.  It was time to take control.  

So, I moved to the small town- just a 2 minute drive from work.  It’s taken some adjusting but my energy level is way higher, so it was totally worth it.  

Something I had really wanted this year was to be awesome at my job.  I wanted people to look at me and see someone who was hardworking and kind, someone who really took their job seriously.  Being so close allowed me to do this.  

So I moved to town and it turned out my “boss” was going on leave for a long while- and I was offered the job!  Pretty much my dream job.  This was my chance.

I painted my room in my apartment today.  I love my apartment.  I’m decorating it to make it feel like mine- a space that I can come to an relax in, to have people over in.  It’s classic, a little old hollywood, and a little girly.  Might as well embrace the single girl living alone thing.  

It feels like everything is coming together and the timing is right.  I feel like this small town is my home and I am so excited for this new job- I want to do my best and it’s amazing how the change completely coincided with my move.  

I don’t know if I’ll find that special someone, I don’t know what is in store, but I know my life has begun and it has purpose.  And a creator leading me on the journey of a lifetime.  

The Power of the To Do List

Sorry.  Geek alert!  This post is about how “the to-do list” has revolutionized my life.

My life is going to be busy for the next 3 weeks or so- like INSANELY BUSY!  This is blow-your-brains-out, crawl-into-the-fetal position stressful.  Work is insane and I look forward to February, where it should calm down to a normal whirlwind.

So, in university I kept a tally of everything I had to do- broke down my tasks into small tasks and left a list at my computer, crossing off jobs when they were completed.  That seemed to work then.  

What I’ve learned is it’s important to set daily goals, and realistic ones- one or two things I could do that evening. Why set yourself up for success hoping to achieve the stars?  So far- this has made me productive!  I have added to the list though chores.  So, tonight I will type this up, do the dishes etc.  I was finding I was completing things on the list, but then would then finish, exhausted and not have the energy to clean my apartment.  So, cleaning jobs got added.

So did fun things, like reading a chapter of a book, spending 15 mins on Song Pop, etc.  

All of this has kept my brain in check!  

Well, my allotted 10 mins for blog posting is done- sorry this is not an “exciting post”- it’s just an everyday, exciting thing!  I’m not wasting time!  (Lol, because I have no time too!)

I really don’t get boys…

For 29 years I’ve been trying to figure them out.  Boys.  That XY chromosome, or whatever you call it.  They don’t make sense to me.

I consider myself a very perceptive person- I get along with people really well.  I get them.  I understand them.  I have many guy friends.  But romantically, boys I do not get.  

I think it’s a curse.  I have this innate ability to draw a man is- as a friend for life.  Something about me screams “hey buddy!”  and they flock to me.  I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have heard the “friend schpiel.” You know the one, the one that goes:

“Let’s not ruin the friendship.”

Which is code for:

“I am not thinking of you in a sexy-sexy way.”

Ah.  The Friend Zone.  It’s like Marineland on a Winter’s day- people are lining up at the door…. 

Anyway, I had been emailing this guy from EHarmony for about a week and things, I thought were going well.  We were asking good questions about relationships, and intentions, and we were on the same page, had similar experiences, and I thought- “Wow, this is good!”  But, it’s been since Saturday (it’s to mins to Thursday now) since I heard from him/I replied to him. 

I know people get busy, but I feel like 4 days is a really long time if you are pursuing someone.  Especially when the precedent has been set at every one or two days between responses.  Sigh.  I guess I’ll write this one off.  Officially on Saturday.  

I could always send him an email to check in our something- but I’ve read He’s Just Not that Into You, if he’s interested -he’ll call.  Or in this case, email.  

Sigh, back to sqaure one.  My dating profiles have expired and I feel like I gave it another kick at the can.  I’m done.  

SWF- Looking for that Special Someone

I vowed I would never do it again.

Online dating.  I shudder at the thought.  Marriage proposals, immigration requests, men old enough to be my father wanting to chat… and pervey guys wanting to get into my pants.  Ick.

I have met a few guys online, and I do have to admit the ones I have gone out with have been quality.  But, online dating never seemed to work for me.  It’s so hard to read someone’s tone over email, and with all the googling and facebook creeping that can happen, you start to feel like you know the person more than you do, and then you get too comfortable.  Or in my case, to friend-y.

One thing I can say, is that I know what I need in a guy.  God has made that pretty clear.  I’m done with guy friends, I’m done with dating around.  About a year ago I vowed that the next boy to kiss me would kiss me because he couldn’t help but not kiss me.  I am serious.  I’m done with the games, I’m done with the “hey, notice me…”, done with all the charades.  If God wants to bring the right man into my life- he can do it.  But I’m being honest about my intentions and I am not wasting my time with a guy who is not marriage material.  I’d rather be alone and taking care of myself, than biding my time with an “ok guy.”

So, EHarm was having a few communication weekend, and I was able to score a free 2 week trial with Christian Cafe so I figured- why not.  (I think I was procrastinating from work, and was bored…) So, I screened guys with a vengeance!  Not interested in Jesus? Gone!  Boring McBoringson? See ya later!  Hey baby, you’re gorgeous?  Not on your life!

The interesting thing about Eharmony is that you don’t have access to photos unless you are a member- and that made for an interesting predicament.  I thought about it for awhile though.  I do have to say, the guys I have spent my time with and have gone out with in the past have been pretty attractive.  But, I’m still single, and most of them were jerks.  I look around at my married friends, and some of my best guy friends, and they aren’t super hot, Brad Pitt look alikes.  But I like them.  They have awesome personalities and they will age well.  So (this was a huge step for me!) I decided looks don’t matter.  I would give the guy the benefit of the doubt- I would get to know him first.  But the cool thing about this, is I don’t know how it’ll turn out.

There may be a guy or two I have been emailing, and I am amazed that there could be someone who is at the same stage of life as me, and who seems to get my weird, quirky self.  We’ll have to wait and see…

One Step at a time

The first week of my 29 challenge has been pretty good.  I’ve decided it’s probably easier to make small changes every week or so, to ensure follow through.  A friend once said of me “you are someone who has good intentions…”  Good intentions?!  That implies no follow though- and I don’t wan to be that girl!  I want action!  So, here’s week one.

I need to come up with specific parameters, but one of my goals is to lose 40 pounds.  I have been eating fast food, cafeteria food, and indulging in things not good for me, and what I have been allergic to.  I stocked up on Lean Cuisines  to ensure I have something no matter what! So, this week I decided I would spend Monday night making enough friendly food for the week of dinners and lunches.

If I had more time on my hands I would give you more details- but I pulled out my trusty Looneyspoons cookbook and went to my go to favourites.  Moroccan Stew Grilled Veggie Pizza and Roasted Spaghetti Squash and tomatoes which lasted me the rest of the week!  I was so proud- no caf food, no fast food stops, and I even was excited to go home knowing there was pizza in the fridge!

My new job description is also CRAZY busy, so it’s allowing me not to sit and eat, and in the lunch room not partake in birthday cake!

I’ve  been doing oats and almond milk, fruit almonds and yougart for breakfast- which I’ve been making ahead and taking it to work to eat.  [side note- three of the five days I have been significantly early for work (this is a HUGE feat for me!) ]

I did allow myself a little hors d’oeuvres late dinner yesterday.  But kept it to 8 sausage rolls and 5 bacon wrapped scallops- and I finished off the spaghetti squash!  I did have ONE beer… but in my defence there is almost a whole case of Keith’s in the fridge and I haven’t confirmed my drinking goals!

I thought all and all a good start.  I’m vowing to make Monday nights my cooking nights (I’ve tried Sundays but they are way too busy!) and will aim to cook 3-4 things to keep me fed for the rest of the week.  Hopefully this will positively impact my wallet as well!

It’s lunch time and I’m off to finish the remains of the Moroccan Stew!

I want to be hatched!

So, another blog.  Why?  Why would I put myself through the effort, the heartache, the depression (does anybody even read these things?) 

I just turned 29.  It was slightly uneventful- and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.  But, yesterday my best friend asked me, “What goals do you have for you life?”

Goals?!  You mean like a New Year’s resolution?

Nope.  Where did I want to be in five years?  Five years?  I could barely see where I was going to be next week. 

Well.  I’d like to have paid off my car.  There.  That’s a goal. An attainable one at that.  I only have two years to go!

No- life goals.  Married, children… etc.  I think it was brought up that around 30 your eggs start to die off.  They won’t even buy your eggs in the states.  

I want to be married.  I want to have kids.  But life hasn’t turned out that way.

I look at my life at 29 and I’m a little disappointed.  I’m no where where I thought I’d be.  And ya, I do put on a brave face for all my friends.  “I’m not where I thought I’d be, but I’m exactly where God wants me.”  Big smile.

Right.  Who wants to be 29 and single?  Who wants to be saddled with car payments, and be only halfway done paying off their student loans?  Who wants to be shoved to the kid’s table at a wedding because the “grown-up” tables are full of couples, and heaven forbid we have an uneven number?

There’s not much I can do to change my situation.  I am where I am, I live where I live, I work where I work- there’s no changing that- and I don’t think I want to.  But, one thing I can change is my attitude.

I look at myself and I see a cynical person.  I used to be so fun, encouraging and hopeful.  My 20s have jaded me.  I look at myself and I wonder- who would want to be my friend?  Who would want to date me?  I feel mediocre in so many ways.  I want to change that.

I want to be the person people want to be around.  I want Christ’s love to just radiate through me.  I want people to see in my love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.  And, at the moment I don’t know that they would see that.

This blog is dedicated to the year before I turn thirty- a huge milestone- but not the end of anything.  I’m not sure if anyone will actually read this.  But, I’m hoping to keep this up to chronicle my journey.  For now I remain anonymous.  

C.S. Lewis has said, 

“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for a bird to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”

I want to be hatched.  I want to fly.